Blog!: August 2008

On July 29, abt 5.30am: my 70 years old beautiful, cute, lovely & beloved ah ma departed me.

26 years of my deep affection to you, nurtured by you... remains & hurts...

I can never have imagined there'll be a day I'll see her lifeless without breathing & heartbeat & motion. It's forever etched deeply in my memories & heart...

I knocked off from work and reached home around 9plus where she was already asleep in the living room. Ah gong wanted to take care of her, but i insisted I could..yet...i dunno wth i'm doing by allowing her to sleep on the sofa, not bearing to wake her up from her sleep...& so she continued to sleep like this forever...(why didn't i sensed that she was semi-unconscious & not totally tire-out, when she seems to be having some difficulty to wake?)

She was with me the whole night in the living room.

She: was sleeping on the Fann wong's auctioned sofa we all loved, with a tiger-striped blanket.

I: was sleeping on a beach chair beside her with my blue plush doggie & blanket, intending to look after her, on behalf of ah gong so that ah gong can rest soundly in the room.

I was awakened by every little movement of her & accompanying her throughout till 3 a.m. Little did I know my wake at 6 a.m. would be something so different.

heart really sank when ah gong touched her leg & said in hokkien: ah ma 'bo2 ker3 liao4' (ah ma no more / ah ma is gone), i was like (in my heart), 'HUH'? is ah ma dead? Then...i couldn't believe she's dead, & couldn't accept for a while. (checks - no breathing, checks - no stomach movement, checks - no heartbeat), & i still hurriedly called for the ambulance in a nervous tone, meanwhile going berserk trying to get ready & bringing my bag with me to the hospital (althou' she seemed dead).

Thru' rescuing from paramedics, it was to no avail. They said she was gone half an hour before they arrived. So, so very depressed. At the same time, ah gong had a shock. (He dropped the house phone he held several times after dropping & picking up during talking on the phone, later he told me he felt giddy & murmured in a slow motion stuttered way) I was so glad that the paramedics was still around at that time or I would be in a big lost. I was so worried that something would happen to the other beloved.

I kept repeating while crying...'an1 zua4 eh3 an1 ni1 kuan4',.......'an zua eh an ni kuan'.....(why like that?...how come like that?)

Few minutes later, I had to gradually accept the cruel truth. The cycle of nature in the world that brings birth, aged, sickness & death...

She left me without a word, without bidding goodbye...

Perhaps she knew she couldn't make it...perhaps she insisted on sleeping in the living room to wait for me.

That monday night, ah ma requested ah gong to feed her for the first time in their 30-40 years together.

She probably passed away by my side for i could be the first one she will see when she leaves.

It was terribly unbelievable for me to accept the fact, b'cos it was too sudden...

All too sudden for a healthy person to suddenly fall sick in a week or 2, then just go like this. Leaving me & ah gong in our solemn lonely world. I would never have the courage to continue my path if hubby & ah gong isn't there for me...I stay strong for the dead & alive...

I blamed & felt guilty at times for not being the one to save her, when i was all along with her. perhaps it is all destined

(like what ah gong said: There's a time for birth & a date for death.)
(dear's words of comfort: We might probably not be able to save her even if she was in the hospital)

I blamed & felt guilty for not waking her...

I blamed & felt guilty for falling asleep myself...

I blamed & felt guilty for not bringing her to the hospital again...

I blamed & felt guilty for not treating her with ultimate politeness & worry-free life before her death...

I blamed doctors & hospital for recklessness of responding lightly or carelessly in the attendance to her critical health with no good follow-ups.

I felt regret for not talking more to her before her death...(although we really talked much & stayed together....it will never never be enough for me...& never ever again will i be granted the chance)

I felt regret for not speaking to her in a better way...

I felt regret for not being more conscious of her sick sufferings...

I felt regret for not patching up with my mum before her death...(at least i did so after these few years...but y after the death...)

I felt regret thinking she was in dreams when she might probably be painful in her sleep...

I'm grateful for these 6 months stay with her again...after a decade of stay over at bf's house.

It's so hard for me to forget everything & especially her...

I miss her so much I wish time would just turned back...I would be different..(but it's never)

I miss ah ma's voice...

I miss ah ma's nag...

I miss ah ma's cooking...

I miss ah ma's existence...

I miss ah ma watching Hokkien opera with me...

I miss ah ma's smile...

I miss ah ma...

Ah ma....I miss my last journey with you...
I miss my time with you...I miss hugging you...

I have lost my words...like how I lost this beloved kin...

I never knew you would leave me, b'cos you are always by my side.
You left me too soon...too sudden...

You left me with yours & my beloved who felt much painful & lonely after you left. We are filled with emptiness on our own, in a quiet big house especially bought for you..

Now, I know what to treasure in life...(time & kinship only matters...)
Materials or possession & all are secondary...

Dear dear & gong gong are now my most precious...no other priorities above...

Her last photo taken when ah ma was alive, 08 Feb 2008, 10:47 pm Lunar new year.

You are always & forever beautiful...In my & our heart & in my & our memories...

You even died so beautifully...

You even have bones in pinkish.

my kind & mighty ah ma...I love you & I miss you.

Few years back...the pre 70 years old b'day celebration u ever had, the happiest & only one you ever celebrated... (Y can't I have another with you...?)

At least you witnessed my marriage...you stayed in my house...you cooked for me...all before you leave me...